jedbrewer:

Man, y’all got some issues with sex! Dang. You should see my inbox.

I’m hearing a lot about a lack of basic self control - “Staying pure in a serious relationship seems impossible” – and, at the same time, a huge urge to just make stuff up.  Consider: “I’m told that using your wife as an object of desire for your passion is a sin.”

Uh…huh. So, then we’ve got some folks living like we’re all basically just walking glands who can’t be restrained, and then we’ve got other folks so righteous they need to invent new sins that ain’t even in the Book.  Go ahead and picture me shaking my head disapprovingly, ‘cause I am.

Given that, pull it over Christians, we’ve got to talk. I’ve asked my buddy, and fellow urban missionary, Jed Brewer to team up with me on this post, so brace yourself.

First, we can both say, with no hesitation, no reservation, and with absolutely clear consciences that we are big-time horn-dogs when it comes to our wives. I mean, FOR REAL. Know why? 

Because… Sex. Is. Good.

Seriously, have y’all read the Song of Solomon? Maybe re-read that real quick. Or, this tasty number: “May you rejoice in the wife of your youth…may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19)  Good idea, oh Lord!

Point blank: sex is the most beautiful thing that two people who are committed to the Lord in marriage can do. It’s sacred, and like everything sacred there are important instructions on what God wants done with it. If you ignore those instructions, you will experience that most terrible of all consequences: you won’t enjoy it.  And sex is meant to be enjoyed!

Before we go any further, I can give you one absolute: if you don’t know where God is setting the physical limits in your relationship, then you shouldn’t be doing ANYTHING physical. Once those boundaries are set, then that’s it. People who can’t set and maintain boundaries in relationships shouldn’t be in relationships, period.  You know who you are.

But here’s the real problem: you don’t know what sex is for.

As I’ve mentioned before, if you want to figure out what God wants, you can’t get there by avoiding what’s wrong, you get there by knowing what’s right and clinging to that. So let’s look at what sex should be, when it’s done right (again, within the context of marriage).

- Godly sex is about building an emotional and spiritual intimacy with your spouse. If you only do the physical part, you’re missing the whole thing that makes it really amazing.

- Godly sex is about demonstrating love to your spouse. So you’ve got to have real love, agape love, in place, otherwise I suppose all you’re communicating is: I’d really like to use you to scratch this itch… And, dang, is that not sexy.

- Godly sex is about making the people we love feel desired and desirable. We want our spouses to feel sexy, like they are the hottest people on the planet.

- Godly sex is about communicating respect.  Those of you who have watched porno (all of you) have seen people act ugly and rude with each other. From that, you might have the impression that you can’t really sexually desire someone, and fully respect them at the same time. Nonsense. These two things are complementary, not exclusive. We want our spouses to feel super-sexy AND respected to the fullest. If you aren’t getting that done, you’ve got something icky going on.

- Godly sex is about simple guilt-free pleasure. If you don’t know what God wants you to do, or not do, you’re in a constant state of free floating guilt, and you’ve just taken all the fun out of it. This is not how grown, mature people handle things.

- Godly sex is about finding a release of tension that is both emotional and physical, opening the door for a spiritual peace that helps us to be still and focus on eternal things. If you feel guilty about what you’re doing, then you’ll just feel more tension.

- Godly sex is about spoiling the one you love rotten. If you bestow upon me a screaming orgasm, and then proceed to hand me a plate of pecan pie a la mode, I will report back to you that I can now leap tall buildings in a single bound. That’s a good feeling to have when heading out to do some urban ministry. In fact it’s a game changer. If you aren’t in a relationship where your devotion to your spouse makes an important difference, then how does that even work?

- Finally, waiting for Godly sex is about building passion, as opposed to building a nagging and aching impatience. It’s about savoring how good it will be, when the time is right, not amping up the horniness until you either lose control, or have some kind of a stroke. God knows how to help you find a satisfying sex life, so you’ve got to ask: why is trusting Him so difficult?

And isn’t that the bottom line?  Trusting that God knows what the heck He’s talking about?  Believe me when I tell you, from Gray’s Anatomy to late-night Skinemax, the world doesn’t have the foggiest notion of how sex works.  If they did, they’d all be happy.  And they dang sure ain’t.

But God knows. And he wants you to be satisfied.  (Read that passage from Proverbs again.)  Your sexual satisfaction matters to him.  On your wedding night, you will not hear the still small voice of the Spirit within you saying, “Ok, I guess you can, if you must.”  No. You’ll hear the Spirit saying, “Oh yeah. Tonight’s gonna be a good, good night.”